How to lay the groundwork for a great peer coaching conversation
In the Commcoterie community, our members all take our peer coaching workshop and get matched up for peer coaching. At a recent workshop, an attendee asked if we would get any information about our peer before the coaching conversation, and the answer is no!
For our peer coaching conversations, we typically meet for an hour and each person gets coached for 30 minutes. We get a lot done in just 30 minutes by making sure our communication is effective.
An effective coaching conversation—or really, any conversation where you want to get something done, like a meeting—is split into three parts: laying the groundwork, having the conversation, and agreeing on an action. So how do you lay the groundwork for a great peer coaching conversation?
Arrive mindfully to your peer coaching conversation
How annoying is it when someone is on their phone when you’re trying to talk to them? Or they’re clearly thinking about something else? Or they change the subject because something popped into their head?
When we enter any conversation, it’s best to try to arrive mindfully. Of course, life gets in the way, which is why it’s important to think about how you’re going to approach conversations mindfully before they happen. Effective and engaging communication is a practice. You have to think about it and do it and then hopefully it becomes a habit.
I can’t tell you how different our peer coaching conversations are from a normal check-in at work or a conversation where we ask a friend or family member for feedback when they might not be prepared to do so. You can tell the peer coach is laser focused on you. You’re the star, and that amount of focused attention feels really validating and different from a conversation when a TV is blaring in the background or someone is on their phone.
Devise and implement a new behavior that will help you be more mindful in conversations
This can be something as simple as putting your phone away or putting it face-down on the table during a meal or meeting, taking just a minute to mentally prepare before a Zoom or phone call, or preparing a script for yourself.
If I find my mind wandering in a conversation or a conversation begins and I realize that I’m not in the right headspace, here are a few scripts that I use:
Treat others the way you’d like to be treated
I care about this person and I want to give them my full attention
This conversation is important and I want to be fully present
You can design any script or behavior that works for you—there’s no one solution for everyone. Things come up in life, of course, but if you arm yourself with practices and strategies, you’ll be better off in the long run. We only get one shot at life and I want my life to be full of great conversations.
Remember that each individual is the expert of their own experience
Coaching frameworks involve guiding people through questions to help them come up with the best solution for them. You’re trying to cultivate a greater awareness for them—they already have the answers. You’re not telling them what to do or solving their problems. Each individual is the expert of their own experience.
The success of working with the person you’re coaching is not measured by how fast you helped them solve their problem, but how much space you gave them in their growth journey.
For those of us who love to give advice, that can be tough
Just remember that it’s not your responsibility or right to solve the problem for the person you’re coaching.
Imagine you’re following the person you’re coaching down a dark path that they kind of know. They’re leading the way but you’re holding the flashlight that’s pointing down just one step ahead. You’re illuminating the path. but they are leading the way. They know best. You’re literally just a flashlight holder! That’s what a coach is.
Establish rapport before you begin peer coaching
I am bad at pleasantries. I will Slack someone at 9am on Monday morning just picking up where Friday’s conversation left off. It’s because I’m a TMI person; if I want to tell you something, I’ll tell you, and I don’t need to be asked. If I was sick over the weekend or I had a great weekend, I’ll bring it up on my own. My team used to make fun of me because I would just walk into a room in our first meeting of the week and start presenting and they would say, “Good morning, Caitlin,” and I would wave my hand and say, “Yes yes, good morning, let’s get on with it.”
But establishing rapport is a nice, human thing to do. It establishes trust, helps you form a bond with the person you’re speaking to, and helps them open up.
I used to write it off because I hate what is commonly considered “small talk” so I just gave up completely, which wasn’t effective either. Now, instead of getting annoyed and not doing anything, I establish rapport in a way that’s more natural for me. Instead of just saying “hey how you? Fine, how are you?” which I despise, I try to think of something meaningful to ask. I’ll say, the weather was beautiful by me this weekend and I had a great dinner on Saturday. Did you eat anything good? Two of my favorite things are food and books, so I want to hear about those things from other people to connect with them.
Think about what you care about, show authentic interest and curiosity about what other people care about, and you’ll be well on your way to establishing rapport.
Practice unconditional positive regard, assume positive intent, and recognize your biases
I’ve heard peer coaches say, “I didn’t really…like my coaching partner,” or managers say, “I don’t really like my coworker.” That’s totally fine! While I wish everyone liked everyone else and we were all best friends, that’s just not the way life works.
Fortunately, you can coach someone who might not be your favorite person in the world or who does something you don’t particularly like or agree with. Everyone deserves respect and their experiences are valid.
It’s also important to understand our biases in any conversation
Our experiences can cause us to jump to conclusions and make judgements and those can impact how we guide another person on their growth journey. Ideally, we’re always working on examining our biases, because questioning and changing our biases isn’t something that can be done in an afternoon. In a coaching conversation—or any conversation—we should respect the unique lives and experiences of the person we’re speaking to.
That being said, if your mental, physical, or emotional health are at stake in a conversation, take care of yourself first. If you are practicing unconditional positive regard, assuming positive intent, and recognizing your biases, you have every right to expect the other person to hold up their end of that bargain. If they violate that contract, the conversation is over.
There’s no reason to tolerate racism, sexism, ableism, or homophobia, but because most of us aren’t good at having difficult conversations either, people let those things slide in order to avoid conflict, which in itself isn’t a great communication technique. I do use persuasive communication techniques to explore intent or highlight injustice.
If someone says something sexist, I don’t find I will ever persuade that person to examine their own thoughts and behavior if I say, “You know what? You are a sexist.” I’ve done it! Has it helped? No! They respond defensively. We argue. The conversation ends. Saying something like, “What you just said sounded sexist. What has happened to make you believe that or have that opinion?” gives them the opportunity to explain themselves and hopefully examine their beliefs, words, and actions.
I bring all of this up because when we’re talking to coworkers or strangers or even family and friends, these things happen. And with improved communication skills, you’ll be better equipped to handle difficult conversations while maintaining your own ability to enter conversations with confidence and positive intent.
After you lay the groundwork for a great peer coaching conversation, then you can move on to the coaching itself
You might be saying, “Wow, that is a lot of work to do before we even start talking about the coaching subject!” And you’re right! But with the proper groundwork, your conversation is going to be way more effective and once it becomes second nature, you don’t really have to think about it. These little tweaks will make your conversations so much more effective, inclusive, and engaging, and when you’re peer coaching in just 30 minutes, it sets the foundation for a great peer coaching conversation.
Join Commcoterie—a community for communicators
Our members build communication and whole-self development skills, get matched up for peer coaching, learn how to self-coach, and strengthen their networks by connecting with other folks who are committed to effective, inclusive, and engaging communication.