To give better advice, stop telling and start asking
I am a (recovering) advice addict. You need to quit your job, negotiate for a raise, talk to your friend about a problem in your relationship, learn a new skill, or figure out what you want to major in? I can help you.
Or can I?
The fact is, you are the expert of your own experience, not me.
Sure, you say I’m “so good” at giving advice and pep talks, I solve problems quickly, I always have an answer, etc. But all of my great advice isn’t helping you (in the long run—I know it’s very helpful in the short term when I jump at the chance to do your work for you, and don’t get me started on how giving you advice feeds into my secret Slytherin side).
You may have thought my advice was good at the time and that I left you empowered to go forth and create change, but I guarantee there was a better way. As Adam Grant says in this piece, “The most useful advice doesn’t specify what to do; it helps people see blind spots in their thinking and clarify their priorities.” I can still help you make better decisions without telling you what to do. How? By asking questions.
Stop giving advice and ask questions instead
Let’s look at two examples that lure advice addicts into quick answers, one complicated, one (seemingly) easy:
I hate my job! Ah, the “I hate my job! What do I do?” question. Answers usually fall into two camps: I confidently tell you to quit, you can do better, you work too hard to stay at a job you hate OR wisely tell you to stay calm, ride it out, try to make it better, you need the money/health insurance/stability. Which one is the right answer? It’s impossible for me to know that. So I start with questions. What’s been going on that has made you feel this way? What seems to be the real problem? What do you see as a solution? In an ideal world, what would happen?
The quick and easy advice + compliment: “I want to make a website and I like yours. Can you recommend Squarespace?” Ah, a detailed, thoughtful question. So easy! And you complimented me. I’m itching to answer it. AND YET. How can I make a recommendation when I don’t know your goals, your level of tech competence, whether you really want to have a website or you just read some other piece of advice that says you should have one, etc.? Again, it’s question time.
I tried to come with an example in which the person asking a question wouldn’t be better off being asked a question in return instead of hearing my expert advice, and I could not think of one.
I’m not advocating that you answer every question anyone asks you with another question (then we’ll really need to talk about your relationships, or lack thereof). But you know when someone is coming to you for advice. I have a physical reaction—I get excited, eager to help, and drunk with the prospect of tying a neat bow on the problem when it’s solved.
Don’t give in. Explore instead.
When you ask the advice-seeker questions, listen
This is actually the hardest part: when you ask questions, you have to listen to the answers. As David A. Garvin and Joshua D. Margolis wrote in The Art of Giving and Receiving Advice, “careful listening is hard, time-consuming work.” So often, we find ourselves formulating our responses in our heads while the person in front of us is still talking. How could we ever think that our answers will be useful when we didn’t even listen to the question? So listen to the advice-seeker. Summarize their response back to them. Then ask another question.
After you ask questions and listen to the answers, only then provide insight and resources
I don’t want to run people through a question mill and then leave them spinning on their own with no direction. Once I’ve gotten through the exploring phase, if the advice-seeker seems to have a direction but is lacking conviction and/or resources, then it’s my turn. “I’ve done X and it has worked for me in the past, although only you know if that’s right for your situation. There’s a book I can recommend if you’re interested?”
But I need advice! Where am I supposed to get it if you’re not going to give it to me?
If you need advice, you should ask for it. People are supposed to help one another and pass along knowledge and asking for advice can even make you seem more competent. But there are ways you can help yourself before you ever talk to someone else.
Ask better questions
As the advice-giver, I’m going to ask you better questions and listen to your answers, but the better your questions are, the better advice you’re going to get. Don’t show up to the conversation empty-handed. Think about what outcome you’re looking for, give your advice-giver the right details, and ask the right person.
Ask for opportunities
What sounds more effective? “Hey, you volunteer a lot, right? I’d like to start volunteering. What should I do? Any tips?” or “Hey, I saw that you volunteer with ______. Can you introduce me to the volunteer coordinator/flag my application/put in a good word?” You can meet for a million coffees and collect a million tidbits of advice, but asking for an opportunity is the fastest way to get ahead.